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Do you know your attachment style?
The role of attachment in adult relationships is a hot topic in mental health spaces, especially if you’re on social media. There’s a lot of information out there about attachment styles, but it can be hard to tell what’s true or not, and it can be confusing to understand how attachment styles work without understanding more about attachment in general.
Have you ever noticed patterns in the way you act in your close relationships?
Some people tend to react in certain ways in their close relationships, whether that’s with a romantic partner, a family member, or a close friend. Sometimes the ways you react in relationships follow a pattern – like that you tend to pull away when overwhelmed, or that you feel the need to seek reassurance from the other person.
These reactions can be traced back to different attachment styles.
Where do attachment styles come from?
Attachment styles come from attachment theory, which was developed and expanded in the mid-20th century. Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, among others, studied the way that children and their caregivers formed bonds, or attachments, to one another.
Attachment theory states that we are hardwired as children to seek closeness with our caregivers and that this is a method of survival. Think about it – babies need care from others to make sure they have their needs met, and without care from others, they wouldn’t survive.
What is an attachment style?
In a nutshell, your attachment style is the way that you tend to form bonds with others as an adult. Our attachment styles are developed in early childhood, based on the connections that we form with our caregivers, but they are also influenced by our life experiences and our personalities.
Attachment starts in childhood. If our caregivers are responsive to our needs and provide comfort and care, we form what’s known as a secure attachment. This means that we learn that we can rely on our caregivers for support. However, if our caregivers weren’t as attuned to our needs, or provided care in confusing ways, what’s known as an insecure attachment can develop.
What are the different attachment styles?
There are four main attachment styles: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. Anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment are insecure attachment styles.
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment is the result of a child growing up knowing that they can rely on their caregivers when they need them. When someone grows up with a secure attachment to their caregiver, relationships with others aren’t seen as a threat, they’re seen as a safe place. Instead of causing distress, close relationships offer opportunities to be seen and understood, and to safely express how you’re feeling and what you need.
The most common attachment style is a secure attachment. People with a secure attachment style feel secure in their bond to the other person – they know they can trust and rely on one another, and that helps them build healthy relationships that last. They often have high self-esteem, feel that they can trust others, manage conflict well, and are comfortable being alone.
Anxious Attachment 
Anxious attachment, sometimes known as ambivalent attachment, is an insecure attachment style. It develops when a child’s caregiver isn’t as attuned to their needs. They may respond well in some situations, but in other situations, they may not provide the comfort and security that the child is seeking.
Sometimes people with an anxious attachment style are described as codependent. They often rely on others for validation, have low self-esteem, and intensely fear abandonment and rejection from their loved ones.
They may ask for reassurance from their partner frequently, experience jealousy, and struggle with alone time. They feel secure in their relationships when the other person offers their attention and is responsive to their needs.
Underneath these actions is the overwhelming fear of being abandoned or rejected.
Avoidant Attachment
An avoidant, or dismissive, attachment style develops when a child’s caregivers are emotionally distant. Their caregivers may have been strict or expected them to be independent and not need help, so they learn not to rely on other people.
Avoidantly attached people often have a negative view of others, but often a positive view of themselves. They don’t like depending on others, and they don’t like others depending on them. People with an avoidant attachment style might be described as having commitment issues, and find it difficult to trust other people. They feel secure in their relationships when they can be independent and avoid emotional intimacy.
Underneath these actions is a fear of relying on other people for support, because it wasn’t there when they needed it growing up.
Disorganized Attachment
A disorganized, or fearful-avoidant, attachment style develops when a child’s caregivers don’t react in predictable ways, which often coincides with trauma, neglect, and abuse. Children who grow up with this attachment style are often both comforted and fearful of their caregiver, which can be confusing. Understanding and healing from these early experiences is crucial, and seeking professional trauma therapy can offer a pathway to recovery and emotional stability.
This confusion can make people react in confusing ways. People with a disorganized attachment style tend to swing between reacting in anxious and avoidant ways. They may have a hard time trusting others, or find it difficult to explain how they’re feeling. Someone with a disorganized attachment style might alternate from being clingy one moment to independent in the next.
Underneath these actions is the deep desire to connect with others, and the deep fear of that connection.
What do attachment styles mean for us as adults?
It’s important to remember that your attachment style is not a fixed trait. You can have a secure attachment with one person, and experience an insecure attachment in another relationship. Your go-to attachment style can even change over time, based on the experiences you have.
Learning more about your attachment style in your closest relationships can help you understand why you react to things the way you do. Learning more about the other person’s attachment style can also help you have empathy for where you’re both coming from. Recognizing how you currently relate to one another is the first step toward changing it.
Developing and maintaining relationships with other people can be tricky, and we all bring our baggage to the table. Understanding your attachment style can help you find ways to communicate more effectively with others and improve your closest relationships.
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